My Cycles

Chill! Chill! I know it’s been a minute. Your girl is finally back where she belongs! I’ve missed you all. I’ve started a few posts but didn’t feel great posting them. This one is one I needed to post. I pray and hope that this resonates with at least one person. 

As we are in this final quarter of the year, I’ve begun to reflect on the year I’ve had so far. This year has been a year of tremendous change for me. If I’m being honest in the beginning, I didn’t think I was going to make it. The road ahead just looked way too hard for me. I honestly didn’t think I even had the strength to go through. Keyword: “I”. I didn’t have the strength but where I felt weak God made me strong (Joel 3:10). This has been a true healing journey for me. I’ve watched God take me through every moment of pain in my life and help me process through. In my isolation, I was able to hear his voice more clearly. He showed me different areas in my life that I needed to change. He helped me to be bolder and create more boundaries for myself. God taught me how to speak up for myself when I didn’t like something. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been necessary. I’ve cried so many tears. Had moments of self-reflection. Learned my likes and dislikes. God even showed me the areas of my life where I shut my ear to Him and listened to other people over what He said.  THAT PART! This year has been a season of growth for me. I’ve strengthened my relationship with God. If I’m being honest some of the things God told me to do, I was afraid to do them. I was afraid of what people might say or think. I had to realize that my life was on the line and God was pulling me out of a very dark place. I am so grateful. This brings me to what I want to talk about. MY CYCLES!!!!

Man!!! Listen!!! Last night was a WOW moment for me. My son came into my room while I was on the phone talking to my brothers. He gave me this camera and showed me a picture of me and my brothers. We looked so different. The picture was from a couple of years ago.  I started looking through these pictures and came across some old videos and pictures of myself. I was in utter shock. There was no way I was walking around looking like this. I felt so hurt. I didn’t even know I had let myself go like that. I kept asking my brother and my son “Did I really look like this?”.  My brother and my son both said “Yes”. My brother said that one day he tried to tell me, but I looked like I was about to cry so he didn’t want to continue the conversation. The girl that I was looking at in the camera looked nothing like me. I saw the depression and brokenness in my face, eyes and body. It took me back to that place. I remember I was so depressed and so broken. I didn’t even know how to get out. I completely let myself go!!! I continued to look through the pictures in disbelief that I looked at myself every day in the mirror and didn’t see what I was looking at in this picture. If I’m being honest, I still can’t believe it. Then of course God took me through this journey. He took me back and reminded me that before these pictures I was working on myself. I was on my health journey. I was on a vegan lifestyle. I was faithfully in the gym at 5 a.m. I was getting my relationship with God on point and then I got in a relationship. You’re probably thinking “What does that have to do with anything?” I’m glad you asked. God showed me that this is a cycle for me. Every time I’m on my fitness journey and I’m building my relationship with God I get in a relationship and turn my back on God and myself. I stopped doing the things that I was doing and started making that guy my priority. So, I began to think, that has been my cycle for years now. I am just now coming to this revelation. It blew me away. I never noticed it until last night. Before I got into this last relationship I was in, I started a ministry called “Untie Me”. That ministry was focused on going through the process of being untied from fornication, idolatry, or any addictions that you may have. I wanted to help young people who wanted to live for God but just didn’t know how. I ended up putting a hold on that ministry because I felt I couldn't help anyone. I was tied up myself and was trying to figure out how to get untied. Man! That’s crazy. The enemy doesn’t try anything new. Why would he? He uses the same thing every time because it works. God even tried to use my therapist to tell me.  I started therapy because I knew that there was some healing that I needed. Let me tell you I would recommend therapy to anyone. Therapy saved my life and I feel like it should be mandatory for everyone!! Back to my story lol. In the very first session I had with this particular therapist she flat out said “I think your relationship is causing this depression.”  Now that I think about it, it was God speaking through her. In my session, I NEVER mentioned my relationship. She prayed for me and then said that. But your girl was so tied up that I said “No, that’s impossible “. Me saying that opened up the door for the enemy to beat me down. This time I was so beaten down that I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t know how messed up I was until God rescued me. I’m so so grateful. I honestly don’t think I would be here writing this now if God didn’t send help. My health was so bad I was on the verge of a mental breakdown or stroke. What’s crazy is God warned me years prior that if I didn’t change, a stroke was coming. Yo!!! All this is coming to my remembrance and has me a little emotional. WOW!!

I sat in my recliner and another cycle that I noticed was verbal abuse. I accepted it unconsciously in some of my relationships. What the Holy Spirit revealed to me is that the devil was trying to get me so beaten down and broken that I wouldn’t open my mouth. That is so true. I felt so broken, so weak, so insecure that I lacked confidence in the natural as well as the Spiritual. I was born a prophet of God. Since I was little God would have me prophetically speaking to people. I would go into churches and feel that the atmosphere wasn’t right. Whatever was in the atmosphere God would have me call out. I spent most of my life thinking that I was wrong for it. I would watch other prophetic people and they would prophesy houses and cars. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Every time I would open my mouth it was a warning. Didn’t know that that was what I was supposed to be doing and saying. My brother tells me all the time that I need to talk. He tells me my words are powerful. I told God the other day that I’m ready. I’m ready to pick up the mantle again.

The beautiful thing about God is that even in my struggle He was right there. He would speak to me. I didn’t feel worthy to talk back. I knew God wanted me. I knew God loved me. God loved me so much that He used my brothers to bring me back. That’s for another post LOL!!! He used them to break whatever was blinding me. God would have me watching videos and speak to me through dreams to wake me up. He snatched me back. I remembered a prophetic word that I had received. She said that I was not to walk on a foundation that is not secure or covenant. So, this week God had me look up the definition for both: Covenant: An agreement: agreed by lease, deed or another legal contract. Secure: fixed or fastened so as not to give way, become loose or be lost. Man!!!! That right there changed my life. God is so good. Let me tell you God has been showing me these areas of my life. God has walked me through true deliverance. He walks me through daily. I truly believe deliverance is a daily thing. God is equipping me to go out and root out!!! Your girl is ready. This year has been necessary for what God is about to do through me. Don’t give up. Healing's not pretty and neither is deliverance, but it is NECESSARY!! One thing that helped me is in therapy my therapist said that everything you do, your son is watching. You’re unconsciously teaching him how to treat a woman. If you’re getting treated badly then you’re telling him that it’s okay. So, remember someone is always watching. What are people seeing when they look at you? How is your life bringing souls to Christ?

I posted this on social media a couple of weeks ago. “We need to be careful in this hour with who we are around/ connect with and where we go and where/who we go into covenant with. We have to be careful that we aren't just following the crowd. We have to make sure that we are consulting God in any and everything. Just like your phone has a two-point check when you're trying to log on to different accounts. You should have a two-point check system with everything in your life. We are supposed to consult God in everything, even to the point of what church we should go to on Sundays. God needs His voice to be louder than anyone around us. Sometimes we do things out of emotion or what we see others doing around us. We forget to confirm with God if we need to be doing the same.” God spoke this during my time with him. I heard it so clear. 

This is the space God has had me this year. He has had me in isolation because whenever He would speak to me, I allowed other people to override what He told me and do the complete opposite of what He said. God needed me to shut all voices and focus on Him only. His voice should be louder than ANYONE else. Had I listened to Him I would'nt have gone through half the things I gone through. There were a lot of things that happened because of my disobedience. So, LISTEN TO GOD THE FIRST TIME!!! You will hear from me more. God is allowing me to come outside a little more LOL! Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. Those who have checked on me, I truly thank and appreciate you so much. I pray that this blessed you. Please comment and subscribe to my blog! 

Thank you!!!!!